Inside An Anxiety Attack (December 8, 2011)

"The Scream" painted by Edvard Munch
This painting captures very well what an
anxiety attack feels like to me.  Ironically,
it's also been posted on the Wikipedia entry
for Anxiety Disorders.

I almost called this blog "Playing With Fire" because that is what I've been doing.  Over the past while I've been staying up too late at night, blurring the lines with work and home, i.e. losing a healthy balance, and not exercising as much as I should.  Combined with less sunlight at this time of year and a limited diet, these actions could also be described as simply stupid.  Why?  Because I have suffered from a generalized anxiety disorder my whole adult life, and these actions leave me vulnerable to an anxiety attack.  In these conditions, all it takes is a spark to start a fire.

The spark came this morning . . . and with it a doozy of an anxiety attack.  What was it?  Nothing much really - a few troubling words that ended up putting me on the defensive and feeling like I was being judged. Of course, anxiety is not rationale, and so please don't go trying to make any logical connection between this trigger and the psychological and biological reaction that followed.

However, when life deals up lemons it's best to make lemonade.  Therefore, I've decided to use this challenging experience to bring you inside my head during an anxiety attack.  How is this relevant to poverty?  Well, unfortunately, even though anxiety disorders can affect anyone of any economic status, recent studies confirm that there is a higher propensity to anxiety disorders amongst the lower income brackets. (Bloomberg Businessweek Article)

Before joining me in my head, there are a few things that I'd like to share with you about anxiety attacks and disorders:

• Most studies I've seen show between 12% and 20% of the population in Canada and USA will experience an anxiety disorder in their lifetime (to varying degrees).
• Anxiety disorders are often broken down into 3 types - generalized anxiety disorder, phobic disorder, and panic disorder. In addition there are other types of anxiety disorders: post-traumatic stress disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, etc.  (click here to read the Wikipedia entry about anxiety disorders . . . keeping in mind that such entries should not be taken as definitive).
• Often "anxiety attack" is used interchangeably with "panic attack".  I disagree.  While perhaps I've just experienced different places on the spectrum of anxiety/panic attacks, I have distinctly experienced what I would call a panic attack and it is quite different from what I have experienced as an anxiety attack.  Just saying.
• I encourage anyone who believes they may have an anxiety disorder or any mental health issues to please get help.  They are real illnesses that can be helped.  A Google search or a visit to your local clinic will point you in the right direction.  After years of denying that I needed help, I eventually sought medical care, and the combination of therapeutic counselling and medication has done wonders for me.  Whereas an anxiety attack used to take me out of action for a few days, I've learned to recognize the triggers and the onset really quickly, and can now bounce back often within an hour or two.
• Some will say that it is possible to recover 100% from anxiety disorders.  I agree, sort of.  For those with only mild cases, I would think that with proper medical attention one can put the anxiety disorder behind them.  However, for those of us who have more severe or chronic cases, I liken recovery more to that of recovery from alcoholism.  One can learn skills to better cope with the problem and live relatively symptom free. However, just as an alcoholic can be one drink away from falling off the wagon; so, too, one who suffers from anxiety disorder is one severe worry away from a recurrence.  Fortunately, many of us have learned how to control the problem.

Now . . .  please come on into my head as I share with you the thoughts and feelings I recorded while experiencing my anxiety attack this morning. (Of course,  don't forget to wipe your shoes on your way in!)  By the way, the following took place over the course of about half an hour, and is quite painful . . . so words may not do the experience justice but here it goes  . . .

CAN'T BREATHE . . . feeling smothered . . .
want to CURL UP in a ball under a blanket . . . need to be safe, enclosed, unexposed . . .
CAN'T BREATHE . . . feeling overwhelmed . . . just want to cry . . .
EVERYONE CAN SEE ME AND YET NO ONE CAN . . .
knee shaking like crazy . . . feels like energy is busting to get out . . .
"I can't do anymore. I can't. I can't." . . . everyone is judging me . . .
I'm stupid . . . I'm crazy . . . CAN'T BREATHE . . .
don't know where to start . . . worry, worry, worry . . .
"MAKE IT STOP!" . . . "Breathe, just breathe." . . . feeling tired . . .
curling up on the floor . . . "Pull out!  Pull out, Sean!" . . .
get up and start heading upstairs . . . can't go any further . . . curl up on the stairs . . .
AARRRGH!!! . . . feeling frustration and anger . . . "MAKE IT STOP!" . . .
starting to subside . . . breath is coming easier . . .
feeling tired . . . feeling sadness and remorse . . .

I am fine now.  And, I am fortunate that I have been through counselling and have medication that have equipped me with the necessary tools to deal with anxiety attacks quickly and effectively when they happen, and then bounce back relatively fast.  I am able to deal with the negative self talk and physical components that are typical of anxiety attacks. (Click to see Sean's Tool Kit)  And right there is the issue. 

Those in poverty situations have a higher likelihood of suffering from an anxiety disorder or other mental health issues but have reduced ability to access the help that is needed.  In other words, people in low income are more likely to suffer, and less ability to address the suffering. I was so grateful that I had some help from my parents in getting the counselling I needed (. . .. $130 per session, and a couple of sessions per month, for over a year) AND that my medications are covered under my wife's health benefit plan ( . . . approx. $60 per month for the rest of my life).  Without access to these resources, I could easily be suffering chronic depression, drifting aimlessly, and constantly in harm's way.  No one should have to suffer needlessly in this manner, and yet many have no choice.

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Phase II - Struggles of the Working Poor Daily Report
Day 36 - Day 38 (December 6^th – 8^th)

Weight at Beginning of Project:  233 lbs
Weight at End of Phase One:  216 lbs
Weight at Start of Phase Two: 221 lbs
Weight at Start of Today:  216 lbs

Available Funds:   $61.65 (Leftover) + $9.00 (Dec 6) + $4.00 (Dec 7) + $10.00 (Dec 8) + $2.00 (found Toonie!!) = $86.65
Funds Spent Today:  $55.38 (purchases & loan payment)
Remaining Funds:   $31.27

New Loan:  $0.00
Loan Payment Due Today: $34.38
Loan Payment:   $34.38
Outstanding Loan: $101.25 (originally $135.00) @ 2% per month (non-compounding) . . . payments due as follows:  $34.38 due Dec 8^th (PAID); $34.22 due Dec 15^th; $34.07 due Dec 22^nd; $33.91 due Dec 29^th.

Items Purchased:   $6 Gas, $15 Ticket (son’s concert)

Free Stuff:  Nil

Gas Purchased* & Remaining:  $6.00 (i.e. 5.51 litres @ $1.089 per litre . . . 55.1 km @ 10 km/litre) + 2.01 litres (gas remaining) = 7.52 litres (75.2 km)
Driving Today:  20.0 km (Dec 6) + 18.0 km (Dec 7) + 8.0 km (Dec 8) = 46.0 km (i.e. 4.60 litres)
Gas Remaining:  2.92 litres (i.e. 29.2 km)

*Will not include any fuel or driving related to work that is paid for by work.

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